Survivors manual

It really is mindboggling how stupid the horror victims can be. I think we all know how to stay alive had we ever found ourselves in the midst of a horror movie. All that’s really needed is… Well commonsense, but just in case I made a "Survivors manual". Memorize it, it could come in handy. Follow these simple rules and you might be "lucky" enough to be in the sequel.

Nr 1. Never drink or do drugs. Unless you’re in a parody, in that case roll it, light it, and smoke it up!

Nr 2. Never say: “I’ll be back”.. You might as well cut of your own head right then and there.

Nr 3. When entering a room, flip the freakin’ light switch. Just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they can’t see you!

Nr 4. If you are blonde, black or have a big breast… I’m sorry to say you’re doomed to die. You’re only there for comedic relief; you might as well give up now.

Nr 5. If you happened to find a book of demon summoning, or any other kind of scary looking book with incantations, especially if they are in a forgotten tongue, don’t and I can’t stress this enough… don’t read it aloud, not even as a joke.

Nr 6. Under no circumstances should you ever search the basement, especially if you are experiencing a blackout.

Nr 7. Prior to entering a vehicle, do yourself a favor and check the backseat for occupants.

Nr 8. This might be the most difficult. If at any time your pet or friend turns into a demon kill them. If for some reason they turn back into themselves, kill then anyway, just to be on the safe side.

Nr 9. We confronted by the masked killer, don’t run upstairs or into the backyard or in any other confined space. Run out the front door!

Nr 10. Never split up! You’re stronger in numbers and you won’t have to go back for the others.
Nr 11. If it’s still night-time, it’s not over.

Nr 12. When it appears that you’ve killed the monster, don’t take a closer look to see if it’s really dead, it never is. Don’t make an insult, just run in the opposite direction.

Nr 13. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum or any other form of burial chamber.

Nr 14. Stay away from certain geographical locations. Such as: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, or any small town in Maine.
Nr 15. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, lawnmowers, butane torches, smoldering irons, band saws or any (possibly deathly) device made from deceased companions. Just avoid them altogether, don’t speak to them, don’t even look at them.

Nr 16. Never watch a horror movie while you're in a horror movie. I can’t emphasize this enough.

Nr 17. When battling zombies or any other undead beings, sever the head or shoot them in the brain. If you they still want to eat you after that, just surrender. It’s easier... That actually goes for every bad guy trying to kill you. Aim for the head.

Nr 18. If you running down a street and you being chased by a vehicle don’t run in straight-ahead, go down a side road where the vehicle can’t follow.
Nr 19. Don’t have sex in a horror movie, being a virgin doesn’t hurt.

Nr. 20. If you’ve committed a deadly sin or you have some kind of horrible secret, you might as well shoot yourself now.